Just a warning!

Are you mofos red dirt ready?

I didn't think so. Let's get it together, America.

Suburban Sisyphus

My back is sore, my hands are calloused and I'm weak. But the leaves: they don't stop falling.

Dark Days

One month later...

So, I went to the movies the other night ($5! Take that, NYC) and saw The Informant (highly recommended). The movie was good, but I've never seen such frightening previews. First up was 2012, a flick where the world is, literally, destroyed, with only John Cusack left to save his family (die in the apocalypse or live on with the annoying Cusack? I'll take the former). Next was the movie-zation of Cormac McCarthy's The Road, a book so depressing I was hoping for a dying dog or cancer-stricken mother to brighten things up.

Scariest though, was the preview that followed those two:


*shudder*
End of days, indeed.

Just a Warning

Not sure what this has to do with Oklahoma, but I'm just putting it out there.

Wailing WalMart

Things I've been asked at the Wal-Mart (please note, there are two WalMarts in my new town: The Good one and The One-That-Sucks. They are both the same and they both suck):

1) "Do you know a lot about computers?" Thanks for noticing that I wear glasses!
2) "Do you think I sound like Fran Fine?" Um, I don't know who that is.
3) "Do you mind waiting? I'm going to make a strawberry dessert and I forgot the cake and jello mix!!" You people eat everything and just don't give a fuck, do you?

So. The WalMart: Center of the Real Universe.
Before Oklahoma, I had never been to WalMart, but when we got here we needed to eat. Since it was after 9 everything else was closed. Serious, this town is wild. The first thing you notice on your first WalMart visit? Nothing...absolutely nothing. Your brain just shuts off completely. Two dollars for a gross of plastic hangars? Put 'em in the cart!! Never mind the screams of those underage chinese workers! We NEED this Swiffer NOW! The next things you notice are the glazed stares of everyone there. The shoppers and the workers have the same 1,000 yard stare that you only see on the faces of people who have suffered some huge recent tragedy. Spooky, really. Especially when it's half empty and you stumble across someone staring forlornly at a set of steak knives. I've since learned that it's best to get in, do your business and get out quick like you're planning a bank heist.

So, we loaded up a cart with a bunch of garbage, a bag of frozen dinner and in the parking lot we freaked out and tearfully realized: We are in Oklahoma.

Where does the time go?

Yes, it's been too long. Things are really hectic and insane here in Oklahoma. You people in New York just wouldn't understand. The other day I raked the yard. It was wild.

Anyway, I'll write more. Promise (thanks for the ass-kick, Abby)?

New Post that is on my Blog!

Sorry about the lack of updates, but things are super busy (you know, with me changing everything in my life, jerk). Needless to say, things are a lot different here. For one thing, everyone is really, really nice. Also, they never get tired of telling you how nice they are.

Typical introductory convo: "O, you're from New York City! You're in for some big changes! Isn't everyone so nice?!"
Well, yeah. Brag much? Learn some humility, southwest!

On the plus side, our neighbors just dropped off some blueberry bread, I drive two blocks to get milk, and no one has ever heard of recycling, so my carbon footprint makes yours look puny, sucker. Enjoy your ice-cap flood, New York!

It's Not All Right But It's OK

Arrived safely in OK on Friday. Road trip was great, but America? Seriously, try eating a vegetable now and then. I know you like riding your Rascal, but dropping a couple pounds couldn't hurt.

On the Road:
Pittsburgh is a great city. Indianapolis seems to comprised of mostly chain brew pubs (where we ate the saltiest meal of all time)and St. Louis is a great baseball stadium surrounded by awfulness for miles. The road from MO to OK goes like this: "Adult Store...Super Church....Adult Store....Super Church" I have a tip for truckers: There is porn on the internet (allegedly). Buy a computer and skip the creepy highway porn shop next time. We got into town on Friday and promptly freaked out over the quiet and amount of space we have to fill.

More to report after we get internet access on Friday, including: A panic attack and our first Wal-Mart (coincidence??)

Hello, America, How Are You?

That's right, we're heading out tomorrow into the sweet, nougaty center of this great country of ours (and by "ours" I mean "mine").

Pittsburgh--Indianapolis--St Louis and then our new home,OKLAHOMA. It's a veritable "Where's That?" of place names!

Things I want to do on this road trip.
1) Find the "real America" and exploit it.
2) Eat a meal in a Wal-Mart.
3) Buy pants at a restaurant.
4) Meet a Juggalo.
5) Eat your local sandwiches.

Please leave sandwich recommendations ONLY in the comments section.

Don't ever move

Seriously, if anyone ever asks you to move, either say no or burn everything you own. Packing is terrible.

Bring me your cardboard boxes

More to come. In the meantime, how about sharing some of your cardboard boxes?